A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive."

Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"

Wiped the smug look off her face.

I was in the pub last night when one of the regulars, a big headed twat, came up to me talking shit as normal. He said, "Apart from my mother and sister, I've shagged every woman in town."

I paused for a moment and replied, "Well, John, between us both we've done them all."

I'm really into Polish women. Every night I go out dressed as Germany and invade them.

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her
husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a
customer in Oxford:


Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use
of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is
considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband
stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all
verified by our
surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code
3' in housewares..... and watched what happened..

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing
department and told
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor
gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help
him, he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as
a mirror,
picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in
the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants
were.

10. November...[View All]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor's. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.

"I'm very sorry," he says. "I've got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer."

The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, "And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I'm really, very sorry."

The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.

"I suppose it could be worse," he says. "I could have cancer."

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?