I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

I think masturbating is like taking heroin: it's never as good as it was the first time you did it but you're going to keep trying until your arm gets sore.

Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead

A clown and a small child are walking through the woods late at night. The child hears a noise and says "I'm scared!" The clown says "YOU'RE scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

A girl with no arms or legs is lying on the beach, begging all the passing men to have sex with her. Finally a man pauses for more than a second. "Please! I'm 25 years old and I've never been fucked!" The man considers the situation briefly, picks her up and throws her into the ocean. From the choppy water, she screams her dismay, to which the man answers, "Well, you're fucked now!"

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.

The teacher says, 'Save the children!'

The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'

The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'